WordPress
Refuses to Die.
// SYSTEM LOG
Here lies WordPress. Beloved CMS. Survived by 43.5% of the entire internet.
// CAUSE OF DEATH
Killed by a framework tweet thread with 12 likes.
01: The_Murderers
A list of tech that "killed" WP.
JOOMLA
"Remember Joomla? No? Exactly."
DRUPAL
"Takes 3 senior devs to change a button color."
SQUARESPACE
"Beautiful templates. $45/month to add a contact form."
REACT / GATSBY
"The killer died before the victim. Poetic."
NEXT.JS
"WordPress is slow! — said the framework needing Vercel's $150/mo plan."
AI BUILDERS
"Finally, a way to make every website look exactly the same."
02: THE_ROTTING_CORE
Hover to decrypt core infrastructure.
FATAL: wp_options OVERFLOW
7.4GB of transient data and abandoned theme settings forming a sprawling graveyard in the primary database.
WARNING: PLUGIN_BLOAT
43 active plugins detected. 17 tracking scripts competing for the main thread. Time to Interactive: 8.5 seconds.
LEGACY: PHP 5.6 LOOP
"We can't upgrade the server, the legacy theme will break." An eternal paradox echoing through cheap hosting servers.
03: IMMORTAL_PROCESS_PHP
Achieved state of quantum immortality.
"PHP is dead" has been said so many times that PHP achieved a state of quantum immortality. It exists simultaneously as both dead and alive, powering 77% of all server-side web applications while being officially deceased since 2005.
// Ruby on Rails is now a nostalgia trip.
// Node.js now has 847 competing frameworks.
// Your startup still uses Laravel.
// AI is literally writing more PHP.
04: DIGITAL_CEMETERY
Tech that actually died trying to kill WP.
MOVABLE TYPE
OFFLINEWordPress was born from its licensing drama. The master disappeared into the void.
POSTEROUS
DATA_CORRUPT"The simplest way to blog." Acquired by Twitter, then mercilessly terminated.
TUMBLR
REANIMATEDSold for $1.1B, resold for $3M. Now its soul runs on WordPress infrastructure.
05: STAGES_OF_GRIEF.log
I. DENIAL
"WordPress is definitely dead."
"Nobody uses it anymore. Sure, it powers 43% of the web, but those are old sites. My Astro blog with 3 visitors is the real future."
II. ANGER
"WHY does every client ask for WP?!"
"I spent 6 months learning Next.js! I have a Vercel Pro subscription! I wrote a 40-tweet thread about the JAMstack! STOP ASKING!"
III. BARGAINING
"What if we use it Headless?"
"With a React frontend, a GraphQL middleware layer, and Kubernetes? That way we're technically still using it but nobody has to know."
IV. DEPRESSION
"My custom blog broke again."
"It took 4 months and broke when I updated Node. My client's WP site has been running fine for 7 years with zero maintenance."
V. ACCEPTANCE
"You know what? It just works."
"My client can edit it. I'm going to set it up in 20 minutes, invoice the client, and go outside for the first time in weeks."
DEATH OF COMPARISON
The reaper comes for every framework that promises to finally put WordPress in the grave. The cycle is eternal.
DIGITAL_SARCOPHAGUS
Where abandoned side projects and unmaintained headless repos rest eternally.
HELLO_DEATH // ACCEPTANCE
warningALTAR_OF_THE_VOID
Pay your respects to WordPress. Each candle is a prayer that it may rest in peace (it won't, it powers 43% of the web, but it's the thought that counts).
INTERCEPTED_COMMUNICATIONS.log
"I rebuilt my client's blog in React — took me just three days! Adding a new article? Easy, you just push to the repo, wait for the CI pipeline, and redeploy. Preview? Well… you kind of have to imagine it. But hey, at least it's not WordPress!"
"We migrated our client from WordPress to a modern JAMstack architecture. They now have blazing fast static pages. They also need to open a pull request to update their phone number. They called us 14 times last week."
"WordPress is dead. I built my blog with Next.js, a headless CMS, a GraphQL layer, 3 microservices, and a Kubernetes cluster. It took 6 months. The blog has 4 posts."
"I replaced WordPress with a custom solution. My client now calls me at 3 AM because they can't figure out how to change a comma."
"I told my client WordPress is dead and we should rebuild in Laravel. They asked what Laravel is. I said it's PHP. They asked what PHP is. I'm now questioning my life choices."
"WordPress has too many plugins! Anyway, here's my package.json with 200 dependencies and 47 security vulnerabilities."